Balaam (Intro)
I am busy studying the life of Balaam. He was an old-testament prophet that has a number of chapters devoted to his prophecies and his life. Interestingly, even though God used him to speak, the prophet was not Jewish. This is one of those cases where God uses someone “outside” - more on that later. I added a link to a study on this character and I will likely report the interesting stuff I can get from this. I started thinking about Balaam a number of weeks ago and have not been able to get away from it. As I ponder the story I am beginning to see at least some answers to my previous question: how does God handle mixing grace, justice, and mercy so perfectly? (Again, a question I doubt I will fully satisfy in this life.)
But first, a quick synopsis of Balaam’s life.
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Once upon a time there was a powerful man named Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong. He was magical sort of man, quite famous for his ability to cast spells on people and bringing fortune to all the big networks. He made American Idol look like a lawn-gnome sell-a-thon on the “Old Junk Channel.”
One day while Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong was tending to his petunias some UN diplomats came by and asked to hire his services. “Sir - we will get you an exclusive deal with Gucci and a television prime-time show (like Dr. Phil) if only you will help us rid our selves of these top-hat toting priests. They look scary.” said the diplomats. Balaama-Daama thought he might but was not sure - his fine diplomacy skills got the UN diplomats to pay a heftier fee “we will make you like, like the great Letterman, forget that Phil stuff” they shouted. Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong was warned by God that should not go with the UN but he sure did like his turtle-skin pants and that nifty 500-mulepowered engine in his limo ... Mr. Ed.
Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong set out with his trusty steed, Mr Ed. Along the road the phone in Mr Ed rang and Balaama picked up, “a big bad dude from the heavens is here to kick your butt Balaaamamaaa-Daamama.” Oh my! exclaimed Balaama-Damaam-Ding-Dong and he quickly made peace with the big bad dude from the heavens. God let him off this time but warned him in no uncertain terms what would become of his derrière were he to pull more of his slick dealings with the UN folks. See, usually he could make his magic without getting into trouble - but it looked like the God of heavens was in this too, enough to send a big bad dude from heaven to “deal with it.”
So he continued on, but more careful this time, and mindful of God hawking his every move. He bought a bunch of chickens because he knew that God likes the smell of good barbecue. He figured that since God was a little agitated with him he better throw a party like the top-hat did ~ and that meant barbecue.
The UN diplomats were sent by the great King Baklava. Once there old Baklava asked Ding-Dong to curse those silly top-hat guys from out of town. (They were moving in and Baklava didn’t want his ocean view lot to be masked by dry-cleaner businesses that the new folks would surely bring to town.) Well, Balaama said “he would try” but “he didn’t think so” mainly because God had already sent “a big bad dude from heaven” to make sure that Balaama did no side-cursing on the matter. Mystic Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong went out and placed his foil-wrapped cakes of vision before him and waited for a sign. He roasted chickens in twelve rotisseries as was the custom of top-hat priests, jerk spices and all. Then Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong heard magic words, words that only God could tell him. Wow, this was powerful, more powerful than the TV-advise that he was used to doling out (even Dr. Laura was in awe of his brand of magic) . So, all Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong could do was bless them, and bless them he did.
Even though Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong did not give the UN the help they wanted he remained very popular and got his show in the end. He was so popular (and he loved to party!) that he started new television network. He called it BDDDTV - it was full of sexy music videos and offered 1-900 numbers and put on great parties for everyone. The top-hat warriors like to party too as they were were dressed for anything from a rave to black-tie events! Yes, everyone loved the parties. Yup, the top-hat folks like to party: they like to get drunk and were even known to “get it on.” God wasn’t too pleased with all this going on, especially since He knew that Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong knew, and the “big bad dude from heaven” knew, that the top-hat folks are not to “get it on.” But Balaama didn’t care - he didn’t die by the big bad dude from heaven, what was going to happen now? His ratings were way up!
God got angry. First he sort of tore up the top-hat warriors camp, and started taking things apart. Once the troops got back into line and the drunkards - ehem - dealt with - then God started to deal with old Balaama. BDDDTV got into some scandal about leaking UN reports and went belly-up over night. Balaama was implicated in the mess and was unceremoniously swept away.
Past performance does not guarantee future results!
But first, a quick synopsis of Balaam’s life.
--
Once upon a time there was a powerful man named Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong. He was magical sort of man, quite famous for his ability to cast spells on people and bringing fortune to all the big networks. He made American Idol look like a lawn-gnome sell-a-thon on the “Old Junk Channel.”
One day while Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong was tending to his petunias some UN diplomats came by and asked to hire his services. “Sir - we will get you an exclusive deal with Gucci and a television prime-time show (like Dr. Phil) if only you will help us rid our selves of these top-hat toting priests. They look scary.” said the diplomats. Balaama-Daama thought he might but was not sure - his fine diplomacy skills got the UN diplomats to pay a heftier fee “we will make you like, like the great Letterman, forget that Phil stuff” they shouted. Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong was warned by God that should not go with the UN but he sure did like his turtle-skin pants and that nifty 500-mulepowered engine in his limo ... Mr. Ed.
Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong set out with his trusty steed, Mr Ed. Along the road the phone in Mr Ed rang and Balaama picked up, “a big bad dude from the heavens is here to kick your butt Balaaamamaaa-Daamama.” Oh my! exclaimed Balaama-Damaam-Ding-Dong and he quickly made peace with the big bad dude from the heavens. God let him off this time but warned him in no uncertain terms what would become of his derrière were he to pull more of his slick dealings with the UN folks. See, usually he could make his magic without getting into trouble - but it looked like the God of heavens was in this too, enough to send a big bad dude from heaven to “deal with it.”
So he continued on, but more careful this time, and mindful of God hawking his every move. He bought a bunch of chickens because he knew that God likes the smell of good barbecue. He figured that since God was a little agitated with him he better throw a party like the top-hat did ~ and that meant barbecue.
The UN diplomats were sent by the great King Baklava. Once there old Baklava asked Ding-Dong to curse those silly top-hat guys from out of town. (They were moving in and Baklava didn’t want his ocean view lot to be masked by dry-cleaner businesses that the new folks would surely bring to town.) Well, Balaama said “he would try” but “he didn’t think so” mainly because God had already sent “a big bad dude from heaven” to make sure that Balaama did no side-cursing on the matter. Mystic Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong went out and placed his foil-wrapped cakes of vision before him and waited for a sign. He roasted chickens in twelve rotisseries as was the custom of top-hat priests, jerk spices and all. Then Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong heard magic words, words that only God could tell him. Wow, this was powerful, more powerful than the TV-advise that he was used to doling out (even Dr. Laura was in awe of his brand of magic) . So, all Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong could do was bless them, and bless them he did.
Even though Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong did not give the UN the help they wanted he remained very popular and got his show in the end. He was so popular (and he loved to party!) that he started new television network. He called it BDDDTV - it was full of sexy music videos and offered 1-900 numbers and put on great parties for everyone. The top-hat warriors like to party too as they were were dressed for anything from a rave to black-tie events! Yes, everyone loved the parties. Yup, the top-hat folks like to party: they like to get drunk and were even known to “get it on.” God wasn’t too pleased with all this going on, especially since He knew that Balaama-Daama-Ding-Dong knew, and the “big bad dude from heaven” knew, that the top-hat folks are not to “get it on.” But Balaama didn’t care - he didn’t die by the big bad dude from heaven, what was going to happen now? His ratings were way up!
God got angry. First he sort of tore up the top-hat warriors camp, and started taking things apart. Once the troops got back into line and the drunkards - ehem - dealt with - then God started to deal with old Balaama. BDDDTV got into some scandal about leaking UN reports and went belly-up over night. Balaama was implicated in the mess and was unceremoniously swept away.
Past performance does not guarantee future results!
posted by B. | 10:17 PM
1 Comments:
thats a nive rendition, you should write a "bible stroies in the modern world" book
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